I am fatigued today...

I am fatigued today from giving and receiving and love being taken from me.  Being with bogdan this morning was physicly draining.  We played football (soccer) until I couldn't play anymore.  Bogdan is shy, scared and reserved.  I don't know exactly what he is thinking or desiring.  We get the impression he wants to be adopted but there is a feeling that others may be lying to him about adoption by a foreign  family.  We talked, ate snacks, showed our family pictures and gave him the gifts we bought him ( a small car and a firetruck).  We then gave him our camera to shoot pics of friends and his room.  Once that got started kids came out of the woodwork and Jeremiah and I played football til we were told we needed to go which was fortunate because I don't think I can keep up with all these guys.  I am glad  i brought moleskin for the blisters. Monique, meanwhile, was surrounded by girls and later she painted all of there fingers with nail polish.  There is such a great need for love not necessarily in gifts but the kind that gets dirty and sweaty playing with them at there level.  The girls need to know they are beautiful and special and they are needed.  I feel so inadequate for this task and rely on God to give me direction and guidance.  It does help that I am just a big kid at heart but there is so much need.  The goal in this stage is for them to say yes to adoption.  So far I am not sure we have a yes strong enough to last through this process.
      We head off to see Valeria and we are overwhelmed by her longing to be loved by us.  She definitely wants to be apart of our family.  She gingerly gives us hugs but is excited to see us.  Apparently everyone has told her she is special because she has been chosen to be adopted.  We brought her gifts of a doll and a crayon sticker book apparently it's the nicest coloring book she has ever had.  Cost us maybe a dollar US.  So little to make someone so happy.  We played on the floor and took crayons and colored a page together.  Occasionally I would purposely rub her little arm lovingly and her face would brighten up and a smile would spread across her face.  She longs to be special and be considered beautiful.  We played with a 500 piece puzzle that I guess had only 300 which is why I couldn't find very many pieces that fit, at least that's what I tell myself.  Valeria is amazing with puzzles.   She see things differently and puts them together in ways I don't understand but it works perfectly for her.  I dont know how to explain what i see but i am in awe.  She is very smart and it is very obvious.  I have felt loved and in love with her.  She is all girl and loves to dress up and to look at herself in the mirror or in video and I love that about her.  She runs and skips everywhere and is such a pleasure to watch.  I long to fix her weak eye and to take her from this place and to heal her broken heart.  
       Nadia, in a very shrewd moment, decided to ask her if she would want to record something to her brother on my phone.  Valeria said yes but she wanted to go to another room because she was too shy in front of us.  She is so precious to watch on video as she lovingly tells her brother to say yes to being adopted by us because she likes us and wants to be adopted.  I need to have the whole thing interpreted but that is the gist of the video but it was her own words.  I asked if we could see her room and she said yes.  She held our hands and brought us to her room.  It's a cute efficient room with 10 tiny beds all perfectly made and tidy.  Their caretaker told her to make her bed with her freshly cleaned obedding and she quickly did and stood erect at it's side as if for an inspection.  She passed and off we went to look at pictures of her in an album and of her in a play.  Meanwhile a little girl whom at first I thought was a little boy because of her butch hair cut, started showing me pictures of her as well.  I wish I could have taken her and her little brother home as well.  They longed for a father in their lives.  Her younger blond haired brother came up to me and would not let me go.  His arms locked around my neck and his little face rubbed against my unshaven face.   Every kid instantly was fascinated with my bald head and rough face.  Monique thinks it's because men don't visit much and it was strange to them.  It was heart retching then and now to think of it and all it implies.  Before I knew it Monique and I were mauled by little guys and girls all wanting to talk to us and be hugged.  I showed them my phone and wow I could hardly keep my phone in hand as they wanted to see their friends in video format and to look and touch the pictures.  Technology crosses all borders to these guys. I started picking them up two at a time and they laughed and laughed.  Somewhere in this time, a little boy came up to  Valeria and said, "Your man is very strong!" She said, " He is no man, he is my papa!".  If my heart needed any more retching, her comment to the little boy threw  it over the edge and it is forever lost.  I fear her hearts loss if her brother says no and my heart forever will be at a loss as well.  She later left the room and Nadia thinks she was jealous of all the other kids being with us and getting our attention.  She said it is good, like when your dating and you play a little hard to get.
      Donesk is not like Kiev and I don't enjoy it as much.  It doesn't feel the same and I sense danger more here.  I am never bored and there is so much to do.  I feel spread thin as we have to win two kids hearts that live 200 km apart.  When we are done visiting we are hunting for food and gifts they want from us.  12 hour days just visiting and driving between the two.  After securing a yes from Bogdan we will have to visit them every other day because of the taxi fees are killing me.  It is all worth it but I am concerned about running out of money and ending up stuck in Ukraine for ever!