Introduction:
The whirlwind end of 2014 has been organized and put on the
shelves. Gone are the Christmas decorations,
my newly married daughter and her husband are beginning their new lives
together and our youngest biological child moves out within the week. A
strange quiet and emptiness fills the house as a new era starts for us. Rooms that were full of children over the
years are empty now. This didn’t just happen
overnight and it isn’t really anything new for us, so why does it feel so
different to me now? I suppose it’s the reality
that these rooms won’t be full again and the front door won’t open with one of
our older children walking threw it on a daily basis. Maybe the house isn’t as empty so much as the
way my heart is. I know that time moves
on and this is what we have worked towards for many years but it still takes
getting used to. Without a doubt though,
I am the proudest dad. Our children are successful
and living life to its fullness. It’s
what we raised them to be but it is in this setting that has made me especially
reflective this New Year and my need to write…
A prayer of Surrender and Desperation
I guess I just need to ramble a bit on my life and share a
little bit about how I got to where I am today. Although the last 44 years contributed
tremendously to current events, I choose not to make and autobiography but share
a brief excerpt of it. Let me start with
a few remembrances of my life as a young boy.
I was born into a family that raised me in a Christian home. I remember going to church every Sunday and I
loved these early years of my life. Some
of my best memories are from a very young age.
I remember special times with my father and mother and lifelong memories
of my grandfather. It was in this period
of time, around the age of 7, that I heard the gospel of Jesus Christ at a
small Nazarene church in Long Beach California and told my mother and father
that I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart.
So in the innocence of a child, I knelt beside my bed that evening and
prayed the sinner’s prayer. Unfortunately
these early care free years were shortly lived as my parents divorced and my
life began to fall apart. Searching for
a father for her three boys, my mother would marry three more times before I
turned 16. Each one a disaster that was
destructive and full of abuse. I
desperately wanted to escape this world I lived in and so I eventually found
solitude and peace in the mountains. The
mountains became my god for many years to come and I found temporary peace from
the pain through rock climbing, mountaineering and skiing. Incredibly through those trying painful years,
I never felt a time that Gods presence wasn’t with me. I don’t know why or how that was but he never
stopped pursuing me as I desperately tried to fill the vacant hole in my life
from the abandonment and abuse of my childhood.
Fast forward through 22 years of marriage and 4 biological
children and apparently I have done a somewhat okay job at fathering. I can only say that because my children have
graciously loved me and said I have been.
Those 22 years were filled with some difficult times and my mistakes
tremendous but I know that Gods grace and mercy did more than I could have ever
done in protecting the children and family I loved. Looking back, I guess I fathered in
fear. A fear, that I never wanted my
children to live a childhood like mine. When
things got rough in my life, that fear kept me going. God never seemed to leave me alone but the
reality is I never could commit to him completely and wholly. The draw of this world, the lust of the flesh
and the desire to conform, continually tugged at me. Like anything in life, there were great
periods and then there were bad periods.
I can only say one thing to this and that is God is a faithful father
and never gave up on me. A little over 4 years ago, the reality of empty nesting,
new career paths were upon us and travel began to overtake our thoughts. After so many years of giving to our family,
we finally began to see the finish line but little did we know what lay ahead
of us.
It wouldn’t be much longer before a vision of the orphan
problem in our world and the reality of our need to do our part would begin to
grow. Spurred on by messages from our
pastor that would cut to the heart and challenge us to take risks in our
personal life, we began to get involved in a local ministry that advocated for the
orphans of Ukraine. We had no intention
to adopt at first but that quickly changed as we felt the call and saw the
tremendous need. It was during this time
that my heart began to turn towards God again.
I am not sure why but something happened in me as I began to see the
father heart of our God for his children.
Why now? I don’t know but it
began to happen and the running began to change to a level of obedience. It was not overnight but I began to feel a
heart change.
During this time I began
to read tremendous books like “Fields of the Fatherless” by Tom Davis and my
all time favorite “Radical” by David Platt.
The book Radical was so intense and deep for me that it literally took
me a year to read. I could only handle a
chapter before putting it away. It
literally began to shake me to the core and tear down my world views. In Ukraine, we spent countless hours and Kilometers
driving in taxis between our two children’s orphanages. It was during this time that I took up
reading Radical again. What a setting to
read this book. Here I was in Ukraine,
hot, muggy, a bit scared and living on the edge and God kept impressing upon me
that this was just the beginning. What!?!! Just the beginning!?? I remember leaning over to my wife in the
back of a cramped, hot taxi and saying something like “I don’t think this is
the end but just the beginning of something God is doing”. She
didn’t look very thrilled at this comment.
You have to understand we had risked everything financially in faith to
adopt and we were pretty uncomfortable.
I do remember feeling a sense of purpose and knowledge that we were
being obedient to the call on our lives but at that moment my obedience turned
to complete life surrender to God. I
will never forget telling him in a prayer that no matter how uncomfortable or
scared I felt, if God asked me to do something then I would say “Yes”. Since that moment of complete surrender
somewhere near Kramatorsk Ukraine; saying “Yes” to God became my mantra. That
moment of surrender has been the most difficult decision I have made and yet the
most rewarding.
Shortly after returning from Ukraine with our two new
children, I would be asked if I would be willing to join a nonprofit as their
field director. Honestly, that scared me
to no end! Big time fear but remembering
my commitment of surrender, I said Yes.
That decision, as scary as it was, stretched me and grew me and I did
things I never imagined I would do. From
leading a team of missionaries to the heart of eastern Ukraine for a summer
camp for orphans, to being a part of the process of launching a transition home
for aged out orphans. I began to see the
power of the word “Yes” when it came to surrender and obedience to the
direction and call God had me on. This
time was not flawless and I made huge mistakes along the way but looking back
God had a way of using it for my development and life direction.
During my second trip to Ukraine, I remember seeing how many
children were at risk of becoming orphans.
Honestly, I didn’t think much of it at the time but this reality or
imagery of children without families began to occupy my thoughts all the
time. A blog post by Tom Davis, stated
that we need to take time and look at the root causes of an issue. In other words we cannot just be trying to
put out the fires of our world but step back at times and see what is starting
the fires. Well, that bit of wisdom
would not stop haunting my mind. I began
to wonder if we could begin to change the conditions that would force a child
to be placed in a government institution or orphanage. Why not?
Why not attack this world problem from both sides? Advocate for adoption and orphan care and at
the same time invest in the family! I
was pumped with excitement at the possibility!
The challenge was how. The
reality was my home life was falling apart.
The challenges of adoption and the difficulty of immersing our two
children into our family and culture were straining our relationship to the
point of complete disaster. What we had
optimistically entered into was far more than we bargained for. Our typical roles we had had raising our
biological children were not working and my wife was near emotional
meltdown. Both of us were constantly
being stretched to the max and the reality was this was going to be a difficult
life choice. So on one hand I was seeing
limited success in ministry and on the other hand I was blind to all the new
challenges our family was enduring.
How could I possibly begin to consider launching a ministry
that was focused on orphan prevention when my wife and family were at the brink
of collapse? Needless to say, I still
presented the reality that I wanted to start a nonprofit. The response was less than receptive. In fact, I received a much deserved ear
full. Adopting was a ministry and I
needed to figure this out first before jumping into another! Hard as that was to hear, it was the
truth. This whole willing to submit and
say “Yes” was beginning to tear at every part of our lives and rip us
apart. Little did I realize at the time,
that these were areas of my life that needed addressing first. This was part of the process of surrender! So the family began to be a major focus and
the vision a secondary one. In time,
both of us began to see that this vision and calling was upon us as we began to
figure out how to balance our lives together.
Three months later, we stepped out in faith and launched Vision for the
Children International, almost two years to this day. I was elated and yet scared beyond
reality. This was a huge step of faith
for me! The cost of adoption and medical bills had stretched us beyond what was
bearable and now I had stepped out and launched a nonprofit? Insane!
I remember withdrawing $40 dollars from our personal account to put into
our new business account that was opened for VFTCI. Leaving the bank, I remember wondering how I
was going to make it to our next paycheck without those 40bucks! Life began to feel like I was walking on a
razor edge with complete failure on both sides!
I remember laughing to myself at the insanity of it all but staying
committed to the “Yes”.
What would
follow were some of the most difficult months of my life. God was doing an amazing thing in the
ministry but I was beginning to go through hell! It is hard to explain those months. It was like I was in the process of an
extremely painful birth spiritually. I
felt like I could bear no more. Finances
had been completely tapped, old friends turned against me and I felt abandoned
with no hope. Mental anguish was
constant and I remember getting up every morning for months, searching the
bible for hope and praying in complete and utter desperation for God to rescue
me. This time was the most intense and horrible
time of my life. Thoughts of ending it
all would invade my mind but God sustained me and his complete rescue
came! It was like I had been tested by
fire and somehow I came out of it.
At
the end of my rope, God came through and miracles began to happen. God
completely rescued our lives. Since
then, it’s been no rose garden but we began to see breakthrough in our
lives. Door after door began to open up for us. God faithfully provided for every need we had
and the ministry began to explode. It
was more than I could imagine! Lives
began to change, partnerships and volunteers began to join our team, incredible
and unimaginable events would take place.
I still to this day stand in awe of all that God continues to do. In the last two years, 8 mothers have been
rescued from an uncertain future and 12 children from lives in an
orphanage. We have launched education
programs, a computer lab for children to do research and get extended education,
we have seen 80 plus salvations, and provided nearly 4000 healthy meals for
needy children as well as numerous outreach programs and summer camps. I know this wasn’t by our own power but by a
God who has worked through us and provided beyond our wildest dreams.
As I write this, I am honestly amazed! Why me?
The answer is why not! We are all
called. The bible says “The harvest is
plentiful but the workers are few.” Do
you understand what that means? It means
that there is success for those who are willing to labor. The harvest is there ripe for the
picking! We are just co laborers to a
God who has already done the planting.
Are our lives any easier because we said “ Yes”? I would say definitely “NO” but God continues
to bless us, show us his provision and encourage us. We
know that every time we recommit a prayer of submission, which sometimes is
daily, He is faithful to complete the work He sets before us.
Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story – those he
redeemed from the hand of the foe, (Psalms 107:2 NIV)
